The Greatest Collection of Al Bundy Quotes on the Internet

We realize our site sells shirts, but we are also true fans of the show and want to share the wisdom that Al Bundy provided so many. This collection is continually updated and features quotes from all of the great characters on the show. Enjoy!

Al Bundy and Married with Children Quotes: 

Al: So now NO MA’AM stands for Numb Old Men Anxiously Awaiting Morticians.

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Peg: Now that is a real man. Not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.

Al: Well I guess it’s true what they say, you are what you marry.

Griff: That would make me a ho.

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Bud: Thanks Dad. Thanks. That was Nasty Natalie. She’s the easiest girl in town. 

Al: Bud if my father scared away the easiest girl in my town, I never would have got married, had you kids and I would be upstairs now watching TV in my underwear like god intended.

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Al: Ahhh!! No, don’t take my breasts away!

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Bud: Excuse me ladies. Bud Bundy here. Department of Makeup Safety. If left on that stuff can kill. It must be licked off immediately.

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Al: Hand me the remote please.

Kelly: Ah, Dad you have it pointed the wrong way.

Al: Not if there is a God pumpkin.

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Al: This is the 20th Century people. There’s no such thing as curses.

Peg: Well Al, once again you have enriched our lives. Thank your father kids.

Bundys: Thanks Dad!

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Al: Can I get a whoa steeling old ladies’ pensions?

Bundys: Whoooooaaaa steeling old ladies’ pensions!

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Peg: Look, Al doesn’t like me blowing smoke in his eggs. What am I supposed to do? Stop smoking?

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Al: Ah gee Peg, I don’t regret not having gone to college, because then, after all I might not have married you.

Then what would have become of me. I would have probably just lived an empty meaningless existence ordering hookers and pizza until I dropped dead with a slice in my mouth and a greasy hooter in my hand.

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Peg: Al, we have not moved an inch in 2 hours.

Al: Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.

Peg: I can hear that in our bedroom too honey.

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Al: Did I tell you how pretty you look today?

Fat Woman: No. Al: Good, then the blood is still reaching my brain.

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Bud: Dad, you got a minute?

Al: For you, Bud? Nah.

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Bud: I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

Al: Mommy's second little joke on me?

Bud: The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

Al: Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

Bud: That's Grandmaster, you fool!

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Al: Gas Passer, Bass Master, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!

Bud: The Grandmaster will not forget this!

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Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, no food was a stirring, not even a mouse. Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie, along with a note that said "presents or die". 

Children were plotting all night in their beds, while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head. But daddy had money this year in the bank, then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank. ...and all of a sudden Santa appeared, a sneer on his face, booze in his beard. 

Santa I said as he laughed merrily,  you do so much for others do something for me. Bundy he said, you only sell shoes,  your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze. Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife, her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife.

As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung, he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue. And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: 
you're married with children, you'll never be free.

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Marcy: So someone stole your dodge eh Al? Well it's your own fault. You should have known better to leave it out on garbage day.
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Peg: Hey Al, you remember the time we tried to outrun the cops in the dodge.

Al: Yeah, he eventually caught us. He was pretty fast for a guy on foot.
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Al: Holly molly, yikes and and gadzooks! Peg! Peg, it's gone. Someone stole my car! I can't believe it. I lost my dodge. It's really really gone. Someone call the police!

Bud: What for? The call costs more than car.

Al: Yes, and it costs more than the condom I should have used on the night you were conceived!
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Al: Gee Peg, I can't believe you actually made my lunch.

Peg: Well I just took the garbage and separated them into two bags.
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There's only one way to top off a meal like that. Oh waiter, got a newspaper over there! (Al walks off to the toilet.)
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Peg: Couldn't you even wear deodorant tonight you pig?

Al: Gee, you didn't wear enough hair spray tonight Peg. I can still smell your breath.
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Well hello. I see your not fat and don't have an attitude so you can't be looking for me. How can I help you?
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Al: You know Peg, I don't like those people much. A bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

Peg: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.

Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here.
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Peg: If you practice once in a while you could get good at sex. And honey, you don't have to hit your head.

Al: That's the one part I enjoy Peg. It keeps my mind off of what the rest of my body is going through.
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Peg: Ah Honey, why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?

Al: But Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.
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Represent Polk High!

Peg: Hi Honey, did you miss me?

Al: With every bullet so far!
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Al: Peg, have I told you how much I love you today?

Peg: No Al, you haven’t!

Al: Okay good.
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Peg: Question 2, who would you rather spend the night with A) your wife or...

Al: B!
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Peg: As a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina.

Al: Ballerina...ha ha...you sure are my nut cracker.
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Peg:That's very touching honey, now rub my feet.

Al: Peg I wouldn't rub your feet if a genie popped out of them.
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Peg: Whats that toilet got that I don’t?

Al: A job.
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Peg: Al why don’t you have any pictures of me at your work.

Al: Cause Peg, that would defeat the purpose of going there.
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Al: Ah Peg, would it really make you feel better if I told you I needed you?

Peg: Yes it would!

Al: Wa ha ha, well I don't!
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Peg: Al why don’t you ever take me to the beach?

Al: Whats the point? You’d just find your way back home.
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Al: It's a vacuum cleaner peg in case you want to do something different with your afternoon?
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Al: No, Peg
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Al: Let's rock.
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Al: Go away, Peg.
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Al: I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
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Al: A man's home is his coffin.
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Al: Women - can't live with them.... The End.
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Al: Women - can't live with them, can't herd them all to Canada.
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Al: Women - can't live with them...can't kill them
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Al: Entertainment for the cave man was simple: Man kills food, woman burns it, giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, woman falls in mud. A good laugh is had by all.
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Al: Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.
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Al: I hate life, life hates me.
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Al: I'm so upset I can hardly eat this sandwich! (eats the sandwich anyway)
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Al: I'm so hungry I could eat a vegetable!
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Al: I feel so good--I'm almost happy.
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Al: Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right?
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Al: Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter--with the brain of a fruit-fly--earned a thousand dollars in three nights... should I be worried?
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Al: The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans!
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Al: Ok, here's another idea. Let's toss this in the oven and see if it bakes. There's a shoe-salesman in the 23rd century. It's called Shoe Trek.
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Al: Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex, but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.
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Al:  The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.
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Al: The last thing a guy wants to look at at the end of the day is a woman.
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Al: Well, it looks like something that could come from the Colonel, but the legs have been picked clean and there are no breasts. (Describing Marcy's figure)
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Al: How about if I get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet?
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Al: Back then mother meant cooking but then, gay meant happy.
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Al: Why doesn't the world die?
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Al: I was driving home, God knows why...
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Al: I hate my life. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard.
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Al: Peg, feed me, or feed me TO something: I just want to be part of the food chain.
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Al: It's only cheating if you get caught.
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Al: Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.
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Al: Damn, does my life suck!
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Al: But Peg, we've been married for seventeen years - can't we just be friends?
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Al: Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.
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Al: Peg, can you explain to her the difference between expend and earning? Who I am asking to, of course you can't !
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Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!
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Al: Home sweet hell.
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Al: Just say no to marriage
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Al: I wish the world was a fly and that I was a giant newspaper
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Al: Hooters, hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb.
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Peg: You haven't been very nice to my family.

Al: Neither has nature, go bother it!
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Marcy : I am Marcy D'Arcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Aesthetically Challenged.

Al : Challenged? I'd say defeated, exiled and left for dead!
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Peg : Ooh baby! Is that a nightstick or are you just happy to see me?

Al : It's a nightstick, Peg, and I'm not afraid to use it!
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Al : Have I told you today, I love you Peg.

Peg : Why, no Al.

Al : Good!
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Al : Any last words, punk?

Teenage gang leader : Yeah, your wife's good in bed!

Al : So you're a liar, too! (Al and Bud proceed to beat up the entire street gang)
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Peg: Al, I want sex.

Al: Well, so do I. But I don't see the need to bring you into it.
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Marcy (Sitting naked in her hot tub): Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?

Al: Going blind if you stand up!
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Peg: Did you miss me?

Al: With every bullet, so far.
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Kid: I want my mommy!

Al: So does your dad's brother.
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Peg: Al are you gonna miss me?

Al: Well I can't until you leave.
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Roulette Dealer: I like a man whose is on top of things.

Al: And I like a woman with things on top
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Marcy: Jefferson, you'd never cheat on me with someone who's pretty and young, would you?

Al: Yeah, why go out for a nice, succulent steak when you've got a dried-up stick of beef jerky at home?
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Pizza Delivery Guy (After being caught with Kelly on the couch): So how about my tip?

Al (Leading him towards the door): Ok, here's a tip[Slamming him against the door]: Doors are hard.
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Marcy: We're about to celebrate a new addition to our family.

Al: Then shouldn't you be at home, sitting on it and waiting for it to hatch?
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Ray-Ray: What is it with you, Bundy? Still not getting enough curve in your diet? I mean, we knock you around, you come back. Why? Why do you do it?

Al: For the same reason men climb mountains or sail across the sea alone. For the only reason that a rational man would do in a rational thing like this.

Ray-Ray: Pride.

Al: No, women. I'm a moron, Ray-Ray. We're all morons. That's what comes from being a man. From the first little worm they dare us to eat to the last big shovel full of snow they convince us we can move, we're nothing more to women than an amusement park ride with life insurance. Why else would we do the idiotic things that we do? For example, you ski?

Ray-Ray: No.

Al: Well, you will someday if a girl wants you to. We all will. We'd hurdle down the mountain so fast that the crack of our bodies hitting the tree wouldn't even resonate in their ears before we'd pounce up and say 'I'm OK.' They know were not OK. Hell, even if they miss that pair of squirrels running away with our hacky sacks, one glance down at the color of the snow would hint that there might be some trauma. And we’ve all been to the weight room when a pretty girl walks by and said to ourselves “Gee I think I’ll start today’s warm up bench pressing oh, nine tons. So, you see Ray-Ray, as long as there’s women, there’ll be men around doing stupid things to impress them. That’s why I’m here. That’s why you’re here. That’s why there here. Now, someday, you may evolve beyond this, but it’s too late for me. I’m too old, too married, and lost far too many hackysacks.